Wesley/Connor

[invaderwitch.livejournal.com]

Title: Some With the Hands of Gold
Author: invaderwitch
Spoilers: Anything and everything up to ‘Not Fade Away’
Email: witchbaby@sinwhileyoucan.com
Personal Website: http://witchbaby.sinwhileyoucan.com



Some With the Hands of Gold, a tribute to Wesley Wyndam-Pryce and Connor Angel/Riley
By Amber (invaderwitch, email- witchbaby@sinwhileyoucan.com)

But why he said so strange a thing
No warder dared to ask:
For he to whom a Watcher's doom
Is given as his task,
Must set a lock upon his lips,
And make his face a mask.
-Oscar Wilde, “The Ballad of Reading Gaol.”

An act of violence, a web of lies, and a baby is stolen from his father in the night. Secreted away by someone who thinks he is saving the child, who plans to look after it forever. For as long as he has to, despite the fact that this is not how he pictured his life, he will care for it because he believes it is the right thing to do. The only thing he can do. And the baby, who has known little but love and warmth and happiness so far, is placed on a path that will grow dark very quickly, and will not be touched by light again. The flash of a knife and blood in the light of the moon and potential father-and-son are torn apart, the strange life they may have had together denied before it can begin.

The next time they see each other, nothing will be the same.

It is fitting that the relationship between two of the most tragic figures in the Jossverse would begin in bloody tragedy.

I. Cherubim

“It's a zombie.”
“What's a zombie?”
“It's an undead thing.”
“Like you?”
“No. Zombies are slow moving, dimwitted things that crave human flesh.”
“Like you?”
“No! It's different, trust me.”
- Angel and Connor (Habeas Corpses)

Connor is a miracle child conceived by undead Angel and Darla toward the end of season two (Reprise). Something that was never supposed to be, he was "born" the child of the two notorious vampires when his mother committed suicide via stake, the only way to release Connor from a body no longer suited to give life. Born in violence and sacrifice (Lullaby), things would never get much better for Connor.

After only a few months in the care of his father and his friends at Angel Investigations, Connor would become a pawn in the first of many dark plots against his father that would adversely affect the rest of his life. Connor was stolen from Angel by Wesley Wyndam-Price acting under the false information that a prophecy stating that Angel would kill Connor and thus become evil again was about to be fulfilled. Then, Connor was promptly stolen from Wes by Justine, a minion of vampire hunter Holtz, currently under the employ of the demon Sahjhan. Sahjhan himself wanted Angel’s son destroyed, as he had foreseen the child as his future killer--but Holtz had his own motives. Looking for revenge against Angel for murdering his family centuries ago, Holtz took the Connor to a Hell Dimension called Quor-toth. He did this with Angel's permission, promising to care for the child who would otherwise surely be hunted and eventually killed by one of Angel's ever-growing number of enemies (Sleep Tight).

In Quor-toth, many years passed over the course of mere days back in Angel's Los Angeles. During those years, Connor was subjected to not only the trials of day-to-day survival in a Hell Dimension, but to Holtz’s own brand of brainwashing. By the time he was a teenager, Connor was a fierce, feral hunter who bore an intense hatred for his real father. Just as it seemed Angel had been ready to accept that his son was gone forever, Connor found his way back to L.A. (The Price). A confusing time during which he was torn between two lives, two fathers, would follow, culminating in Holtz's planned death--a final act of manipulation. Blaming Angel, Connor imprisoned in an iron coffin at the bottom of the ocean. After some time, Angel would be rescued by the cast-out Wesley, returning home to find that his son was being watched over by Fred and Gunn. Sent away to fend for himself, this time in a hostile city, a long period of loneliness and bitterness would be Connor’s reward (Deep Down) for acting on the plans of Holtz. His punishment for not believing in the father who, for all his life, he believed to be a soulless, murdering monster.

Phase Two of the awful events constituting Connor’s life would begin when Cordelia, recently returned from a stint as a higher power and feeling estranged from her friends, came to live with him in his flop-house. As she seemingly tried to sort through her own problems under Connor’s protection, he began to develop feelings for her. Of course, this would all end up being the design of a demon that had possessed Cordelia in an effort to be reborn. On a night when the skies rained fire and a Beast had risen from the place where Connor began his existence, he and Cordelia slept together, leading to her pregnancy by the demon (Apocalypse Nowish). Still at odds with his own reasons for living, Connor was suddenly pushed into the role of expectant father. Now back with the A.I. team, he was forced to deal with the implications of the Beast and Cordelia’s increasingly strange behavior rather than focusing on his own serious issues with existing. When Angel’s soul was temporarily removed so that the team could retrieve important information from Angelus, Connor attempted patricide once more at Cordelia’s coaxing, but was stopped by the vampire slayer, Faith.

Connor had his first experience with false happiness the day that his "daughter", Jasmine, was born, leaving Cordelia in a permanent coma. Jasmine appeared as a beautiful woman who inspired joy and love in all who looked upon her. Connor alone saw her true form from the beginning, but in a testament to his decreasing sanity, revealed the truth to no one and worshiped her anyway (Shiny Happy People). He knew that she was in fact a demon who used her powers to leave the world in a state of contentment and peace, while she consumed people to feed her strength, but he didn't care. While the rest of A.I. learned the truth and began efforts to stop her, Connor protected her, believing false happiness far preferable to his real life. This would climax in a final conflict with Angel. In the end, a completely broken Connor would slay Jasmine himself and run away from his father once again. All the bitterness from these events culminated when Connor decided that the only way to stop all of the pain that had happened to and because of him was to take his life, and take the unconscious Cordelia with him, all in the hope that Angel would kill him before he could kill her. Angel was able to stop him, but not according to Connor's plan. Angel's last act of love for the child who never loved him would be his most desperate to date; in exchange for a new life for Connor, all memories of his existence erased, Angel agreed to take over the evil law firm, Wolfram and Hart (Home).

Act Three: Connor gets the false happiness he desired from Jasmine. A demon in league with Wolfram and Hart created a new life for him away from L.A. as per Angel's deal with the demonic law firm. His memories and those of everyone in his life, past and present with the exception of Angel alone, were altered to suit a new reality in which Connor was a well-adjusted teenager about to start college. The Reillys, the family he had been given to, were completely normal and full of love for Connor, who they believed to truly be their son and his two sisters. It would seem that everything had finally been made right for Connor, but the bliss of normality wouldn’t last. When Connor was crushed by a van in a freak accident and managed to walk away unscathed, a police officer suggested the Reillys contact Wolfram and Hart. When Angel saw that his son's life was in danger once more, he agreed to help the family. Cyvus Vail, the demon who built Connor’s fake life, would tell Angel that Connor might remain happy only if he killed another demon for Cyvus--Sahjhan. Things would come full circle as Connor agreed to fight the demon who, unbeknown to him, had originally introduced him to Holtz. With only his innate strength and a few hours of Angel’s training backing him, Connor was again forced to battle for his life.

Acting under his own investigations into Connor, Wesley would enter the picture once more. Discovering that Angel had deceived his friends and thinking it may resolve his own current problems (the loss of his girlfriend, Fred) Wesley would break the Orlon Window that held Connor's true past, returning the memories of Connor to all those within the radius of the magical blast. In the room where he fought Sahjhan, the battle quickly ended in Connor’s victory. With the truth about himself returned, Connor remained loyal to his new family, and returned to his new, happy life, leaving Angel behind (Origin).

He would not see his father again until the last day of Angel’s life. As he prepared himself for a suicide mission against Wolfram and Hart's senior partners, Angel paid Connor a last visit, in which his son revealed that he knew the truth, and why Angel did what he did, and was grateful for it. His inexorable draw to his father would have him return to L.A. once more time to help Angel fight and to say goodbye.

II. Gregori

“I've seen a darkness in myself. I'm not sure you'd even begin to understand.”
“I flayed a guy alive and tried to destroy the world.”
“Oh... so...”
“Darkness. Been there.”
“Yeah. Well I never flayed... I had a woman chained in a closet.”
“Well, hey.”
“No, it doesn't compare.”
“No. Dark. That's dark. You've been to a... place.”
-Wesley and Willow (Orpheus)

The history of Wesley Wyndam-Pryce is more mysterious then that of Connor because, for the most part, it was not played out in the series, and is seemingly a painful topic of discussion for the character himself. We know that he was born in England to a mother and father who remained married. Wesley’s father, Roger Wyndam-Pryce, is portrayed as a tyrant for whom nothing his son has ever done was good enough. An esteemed occultist and member of the Council of Watchers, it is easy to imagine that there was not much discussion as to what he expected his son to do with his life. For someone whose life had become their work, there would never be room in Roger’s heart to be a loving father, only a teacher intent on honing his student in his image.

The subject of Wesley's mother is one that is never touched on, but from what we know of his father, we can glean a few things about the woman. It seems likely that she would have been quiet, lacking the confidence to stand up to her tyrant husband and thereby not having much influence on shaping Wesley. If we look at Wesley’s behavior early on in the series, he gives the vague impression of having been a pampered child. But as we learn more about him, it becomes apparent that this is probably false. While he does not speak ill of his matron, it is rare that he mentions her when calling his father, seeking approval and usually hanging up the phone more dejected then before. Likely, he grew up resenting his mother’s indifference just as he resented his father’s demands, though perhaps not realizing it. His warmness toward her may well come from pity as much as from love, as she was never able to escape his father. In spite of these difficulties, and vague hints of physical abuse to go along with the mental, Wesley would strive to impress both of his parents up until the end, speaking volumes about his personality.

His short-lived career as a Watcher officially began in the late 1990's. His first assignment brought him to Sunnydale, where he would be in charge of both Buffy and Faith. Unknowingly, he had been charged with what would be an impossible task. Buffy would never willingly accept anyone as her Watcher other than Giles, and Faith would prove to be uncontrollable, happily riding a downward spiral to the point of her eventual repentance and incarceration years later. But being denied what he had thought of as his calling by Buffy and Faith would only be the first in a long string of rejections to come. Helping Buffy and her friends defeat the most recent evil spouting from Sunnydale’s Hellmouth would not be enough to allow Wesley back into the good graces of his father or the Watcher's Council. Forced to fend for himself, he started down a new road--demon hunting. This road would carry him to Los Angeles, where he would reunite with Angel and Cordelia (Parting Gifts). As the third member of their newly formed detective team had recently been lost, Wesley had little trouble slipping into that role. The acceptance of Wesley into this tight circle of friends would signify the first happiness he ever felt as part of a family.

Wesley’s relationships with women would be a source of much anguish and disappointment over the following years. Perhaps reflecting upon his relationship with his mother, it becomes apparent that he does not go into relationships expecting much. The first real example of this, touched on more then his doomed fling with Cordelia in Sunnydale, is his dating of heriess Virginia Bryce. Because they met while Wesley was saving her life, he was immediately given control over the situation that he was clearly not used to. While they were affectionate with each other, we never saw the spark of true love between them, and they almost seemed more like friends then lovers. Virginia was motherly in a sense, and a new mother was probably the last thing Wesley wanted or needed. Though saddened by her departure, once again he could be simply have been missing a good friend as opposed to mourning the end of a relationship. It was his first experience with mature, adult love that would prove the most painful.

Fred Burkle was the epitome of everything Wesley thought he wanted; beautiful, a genius of his own caliber, and awkward enough to make him feel smooth. It would be hard to imagine someone more perfect for Wesley then Fred, and as such, it was heartbreaking that she did not return his feelings at first. Seeing her with Charles Gunn, one of his own best friends, was probably more painful to Wes then his gunshot wound. More confident now that he had seemingly found his calling, Wes nonetheless fell to pieces in the face of rejection by Fred. Delving obsessively into work as a means to distract himself would be what lead Wesley to the prophecy that made him kidnap Connor, beginning his personal downward spiral (Sleep Tight). His relationship with Lilah Morgan signified a low point in his life. The fact that he was able to love, at least in some form or another, the woman he continued to consider his enemy, tells us that he saw something in her that was a mirror of himself. While yes, she was an escape from thoughts of Fred, her darkness was one that he could also relate to, which is why, when this relationship ended, we were able to better understand his pain. When Fred was killed shortly after finally returning Wesley’s feelings, it did not come as a huge shock. His rage at her destruction showed us the dark part of Wesley that we had come to know and expect, and it was easy to imagine how he had become the man he would be at the end of the series, shaped by tribulation and regret.

The shy, naïve young man who first arrived in Sunnydale was no more. What was left was a shell, encapsulating the pain that had fueled him for the last few years of his life. His own death was all the more tragic as the demon, Illyria, who killed Fred, the one light in his gray world, takes the form of his love to bid him farewell. Even though she has Fred’s face, we knew as well as he did that the words she spoke were nothing but comforting lies (note: I touch briefly on the subject of Wesley/Illyria here not because I don’t consider it a significant piece of Wesley character study, but because it is the next essay I am due to write, and because I believe it to have very little to do with any potential relationship between Wesley and Connor). Whether bound for Hell or Heaven, it is made clear there is no love waiting for Wesley on the other side.

An appropriately unjust end for one whose discontent life was basically defined by its many disappointments.

III. What Might Have Been

“I’ll get him. I’ve kidnapped him before.”
-Wesley (Magic Bullet)

There are, unfortunately, only a few examples that can be pulled directly from canon of the potential chemistry between the characters Wesley and Connor. One is, of course, Wesley’s kidnapping of Connor when he is a baby. For a young, single man to be willing to sacrifice everything for a child that doesn’t belong to him shows us Wesley's immense dedication. Whatever Connor was to grow into, Wesley was willing to accept it and take responsibility for it. Wesley would not have much time to mourn the loss of Connor, as he was incapacitated in the hospital after Justine took the baby from him, and after recovering had to deal with his ostracism from his family of friends, but if we examine Wesley’s personality based on other events, we see that he enjoys wallowing in blame and self-loathing when things go wrong for those he cares for, so it’s likely that he felt strong grief for the loss of Connor, who he likely believed to be dead because of his actions. His initial loss of Connor triggers a long period of self-reproach.

The first time Wesley sees Connor again after the ill-fated abduction is when Connor returns from Quor-toth as a teenager. As Wesley watches from a catwalk, Angel and a mysteriously strong young man battle a gang of vampires in a nightclub. Having no concept of what happened to Connor, no idea that he has grown up or even that he survived at all, Wesley still immediately recognizes the child as Angel’s son (Benediction). This could be interpreted as a draw to that which he paid a heavy price for and was taken from him. Likewise, during season five, Wesley is the one to return Connor’s memories to him. While others only wonder at who Connor really is, Wesley is the one who delves wholeheartedly into uncovering the truth about the boy. He is driven by his desperation to reverse what happened to Fred, but his reaction to Connor’s latest arrival in his world could also be interpreted as a longing to heal the boy whose entire life Wesley had so adversely, if unintentionally, affected. The memories he restores to Connor when he destroys the Orlon Window, though unpleasant, are also a valuable gift of truth--something Connor has been rarely gifted with during his surreal existence (Origin). They have both sinned in their lives, Wesley when he stole Connor, and Connor when he tried to kill Angel. Within them they have the means to forgive each other these sins, as they can understand where the other was coming from better then anyone else.

This is why I think Wesley and Connor work so well as a couple within fanon. In fact, I believe they not only work, but are totally appropriate for each other. Since there is no chance for them to develop much of a relationship over the course of the series (season four is spent locked in one battle after another, and season five with no memories of Connor until almost the end) we are forced to consider the potential that exists for them post-series or within AU situations. The easiest way to find that potential is to dispute the facts that point against it.

There is little evidence to suggest that either Connor or Wesley is bisexual or gay. Connor is drawn to Cordelia, lusts after Illyria, and is given a girlfriend during his stint with the Reillys, while Wesley has loved and lost his own share of women. Consider then, the resultant reluctance toward new relationships with women. We know Wesley is not one to look for companionship in only one place, as evidenced by his relationship with Lilah, his enemy, someone with whom his morals should never have allowed him to be in the first place. Not only is he able to overcome the guilt of having a relationship with her, but develops loving feelings for her in spite of it. He is drawn to her not because of who she was, but because of the common darkness they share. Common ground is obviously important enough to Wesley that it allows him to overlook facts that would otherwise keep him from being with a person. So would the sex of the object of his desire really matter if the connection was there? He and Connor share many common traits, all of which are rooted in the fact that they both ultimately strive for the acceptance and love of the other men in their lives.

Connor was raised primarily in a Hell Dimension, where it is doubtful that there was a clear distinction between man and woman, and even more doubtful that Holtz would impart in him the belief that men belonged solely with women. Though he is portrayed as a believer in God, Holtz’s views on right and wrong are clearly skewed from the start. There is no indication that explaining the sexual morals of the human world would be a priority. The women Connor is drawn to on screen are Cordelia and Illyria. A common trait is that they are both incredibly strong. Connor is drawn to strength, because it is what has always been expected of him and is what he admires most. Even when he is reeling against them, he is affected most by the strong male figures in his life. Holtz is his first experience with the emotion of love, he doesn’t seem to like being yelled at by Gunn (Deep Down), and his draw to Angel brings him back at the risk of his life many times. Until he can achieve the confidence needed to come to terms with his own strength and the truth about his past, it is reasonable to think that Connor will seek out another strong male figure to guide him.

Wesley is more suited to this task then Mr. Reilly for many reasons. I do not believe that Connor could fully return mentally or emotionally to his "normal life" after regaining his memories. Someone from Connor’s past would reasonably be better equipped to understand the things that he must deal with as he struggles to find his place in the world. With Angel gone, it makes sense that he would desire the companionship of someone who was close to his father, and who is also learned enough about the supernatural to be able to answer his questions. Wesley, as one of Angel’s closest companions in the last years of his life, is suited to this task. Connor is connected to Wesley having both been stolen by him, and by having his past restored by him. I believe Wesley would feel drawn to Connor for similar reasons. The desire to hold onto something from his past that represents both what he has lost in Angel and the potential for a better future within someone much younger then him. The aspiration to repay Angel, or honor him, by protecting what he can no longer, and remnants of protectiveness for the baby Connor was are also factors.

I like to envision a Connor and Wesley (alive, of course) after the series finale of Angel. They are the only two left, and with their deaths so will be forgotten the saga of all of them, the stories of their actions perhaps passed down only by the Watchers, the Slayers. Connor is a little older, quieter, still as confused as ever but learning to cope with his emotions and accept the world that he belongs in. He understands what Angel died for, and honors his sacrifice by keeping the mission alive. The male equivalent of a Slayer, Connor is supported by Wesley. Still a qualified Watcher, though lacking the title, Wesley does what he can to protect Angel’s legacy, and learns that not all love is doomed to end in tragedy. Redeeming himself for past failures, there is finally a light ahead for Wesley.

Though the image of Wesley holding the baby just before Justine’s attack was always one that stuck out in my mind from the series, the thought of shipping Wesley and Connor didn’t occur to me until after Not Fade Away. Mourning the loss of the show, I started delving into as much fandom as I could find, and eventually my wanderings led me to wescon. Intrigued by something that I had never considered, I read as many drabbles and fics from that community as I could in a single night. The instant appeal of the couple was obvious; they are easy to picture together. The somewhat tired, ruggedness masking fierce genius of Wesley is complimented by the softer, more innocent appearance of Connor, beneath which hides the strength of a warrior. The more I thought about it, the more sense it started to make. Neither could ever be with someone who didn’t understand them, and who better to understand you then someone who has been to all the same dark places you have? They would be drawn to the memories of all they had faced that would be seen in each other. I began to like the idea so much that I started my own fic about the pair getting together after the series finale, dealing with the aftermath and all they had lost, and helping each other toward a future. It is so easy to write about them, as they seem to flow together so well, the pairing is natural. There are amazing amounts of untapped concepts to explore between the pair, such as father issues, blame issues, identity crises, and so on.

Of course, I suggest you check out wescon for a plethora of fics and drabbles centered on the couple, including lots of interesting AU’s and "what if they met having never regained their memories?" scenarios. A few other stories I found that played an immense factor in my falling in love with the pair are These Reasonable Taboos by Glossolalia, American Gothic by Polly Burns, and Those Who Favor Fire by Wesleysgirl, all of which I found at http://exitseraphim.net in the fanfiction recs. This site houses several more Wesley/Connor fics as well. A great place to start rummaging through fics, long and short, if you want to get a feel for the pairing.

A few months ago, I posted a comment regarding this pairing in a forum that will go unmentioned here as I care not to advertise it. My comment was instantly barraged with replies such as "Ew!" "Connor is so annoying he shouldn’t be paired with anyone", and of course, "I’m all for homosexual relationships as long as it’s two girls." I’m aware that there is a lot of objection to this pairing out there, especially considering the age-gap, but there is also a lot of embracing of it, and I think there should be more. If nothing I have said here has convinced you of this pairings validity, consider at least the potential for two characters who have seen little but darkness and pain finding happiness, or something resembling it, with each other. I think they deserve it.

“You know, there was a time when I felt, in a way, like Angel’s son.”
Connor rolled over and looked at Wesley’s face. There was a slight smile and, on his throat, an even slighter scar mirroring that smile.
“So is that supposed to make me feel better about what happened? Now you’re like my brother, on top of ‘just sex’?” Connor queried.
“No. I’m just telling you.” The words faded and the smile vanished from Wesley’s face.
Connor smirked and ran his fingers through his hair, turning away from Wesley again. He moved his legs over the edge of the bed and stretched his back as he sat up. He smelled of sweat. He’d smelled worse, of course, but the sex sweat of two men always made his nostrils flare. Wesley would probably have been offended if he could see. There was a small sound from behind him and Connor knew Wesley had just parted his lips.
“Connor. I’m not very good with words, even worse with words of affection, but... I appreciate you being here with me.”
“I noticed. The part about not being good with words I mean. It’s funny though. Being British and all. It must be hard to get past that stereotype of proper enunciation, grammar and eloquence.”
Wesley sighed at Connor’s words. He looked away from Connor’s smooth back.
Three times now they’d been together, and each time Wesley felt like he’d been used afterward. But hadn’t he used Connor? For those moments of affection? For a feeling of forgiveness? Repentance for what he’d done to Connor as an infant?
Wesley’s head bounced lightly on his pillow as Connor shifted and straddled him. He watched silently as Connor’s hand reached out and grabbed a pillow, raising it over his head. Wesley’s eyes widened and his brain scrambled through the memory of Angel, pillow in hand, lunging to suffocate him as payment for taking Connor away. But Connor merely dropped the pillow onto Wesley’s face and laughed.
“Don’t be an idiot, Wesley. I appreciate you appreciating me.”
Wesley sighed again, “I guess that's good enough.”

Comments

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