B/A (BtVS & A:tS)

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Title: Always
Author: myhappyface
Fandom: BtVS, A:tS
Pairing: Buffy/Angel
Spoilers: Both series.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Warning: Um, cursing and schmoop to follow.

I feel more than a little stupid writing this manifesto because Ducks, who is quite the badass when it comes to B/A, has already written one that is brilliant and wonderful. So if you want understand the 'ship and get one of the most seasoned writer's opinions on it, go read hers. Really. I won't be offended. This is just me getting some things off my chest, and then I promise to stop abusing free month.

b/a, or: why am i suddenly twelve years old again?

Around Christmas time last year, I got my dad the first season of BtVS because we're nerds like that, and I found myself unwillingly - at first - rewatching the episodes. This was my first fandom, after all. Maybe I needed a refresher course, but who's admitting it? And then we got to that part in "Welcome to the Hellmouth," where this mysterious shadowy guy shows up and gets knocked on his ass and says he's a friend. Buffy says something about not wanting a friend, he says, "I didn't say I was yours," and I was like, "Boy, the only one you're fooling at this point is Buffy," because hindsight is twenty-twenty, right? I've seen the "Becoming" episodes and all of everything, and I know that he was hers as soon as he saw her for the first time, saw her being Called and killing her first vampire and crying while her parents fought. And I know that in season three of his own show, after he spends three months away in mourning for her, he says, "No one ever mattered, not like she did."

That's sweet, but why do I love them? I'm trying to think of how I got into this whole thing in the first place. I was bookshopping back when I really was twelve, and I saw this book called The Angel Chronicles on the shelf. I paid for it, flipped through the pictures, read the book, and by the time I put it down I was head over heels. For Angel, for Buffy, for their romance, the whole shebang. And I haven't looked back since. Not that B/A was all I ever read in this fandom! Far from it. I'll read Angel with just about anything that moves, and I love Buffy/Faith and a lot of other wonderful pairings with brilliant fic for them, but still. They were first, and they were special. I still love them. "I try not to, but I can't stop."

And it's not like they touched each other and no one else, either. Because Buffy tried to move on after Angel left for his own show for LA with this nice guy named Riley, who was sweet and handsome and everything Angel wanted her to find that he couldn't give her, except how he worked for a secret branch of the government that experimented on and killed demons, and how in the end he couldn't handle the fact that Buffy wears the pants in whatever relationship she's in. He couldn't handle her strength, and the fact that she didn't seem to be wholeheartedly invested in their relationship. So he leaves. (Listen at me, all mature. You'd never know I used to belong to a group called DIERILEYDIE, would you?)

And then she dies, but Willow can't leave her resting and brings her back, only she wasn't in hell, because in what universe would Buffy Summers be sent to hell? She was in heaven, and she was at peace for probably the first time in years, so she comes back fucked up. In more ways than one, too, because it turns out Spike, who had been chipped and was therefore not able to hurt humans, could beat up on her, and did. Actually, they both beat the hell out of each other and had a lot of sex, which ended when he tried to rape her and she beat the hell out of him one last time. (Really, dude. You tried to rape the vampire Slayer? Do you even have a brain?) He goes off and gets a soul, although I maintain that he wanted the chip removed and the soul-wanting was retconned, but those are my own issues, and comes back in time to help her out, and he probably did love her. I don't blame him. But he gets that she doesn't love him back - says so, even, when he's about to die and she's trying to make it hurt less by giving him what he wanted, and maybe she does love him in that moment, but not how he wants her to.

(I forgot about the Immortal while I was doing this the first time. Does he still count if Joss is in the process of retconning him through comic books?)

Angel's not exactly a priest, either, although Cordelia maintains it's a no-sex/eunuch curse. She never really lets herself understand that it wasn't the sex that set Angelus free in Sunnydale, it was feeling safe and trusted and loved for the first time in centuries, and Buffy's the only one he has to worry about that with. He and Cordelia are this crime-fighting team in LA (they run through sidekicks pretty quickly, though: my man Doyle died in the eighth episode, and then Wes and Gunn show up, which helps a little with the pain, but not much) and they're best friends. Really. They were my favorite platonic relationship on television, and then season three happened, and the hardcore flirting starts. Which I accept, because the love of his demonic unlife just died and he's reeling, and Cordelia is his best friend. They spend most of that season building up to what I assume will be a dramatic confession of love, but then Angel gets thrown into a box by his son - it's a long story - and Cordelia gets ascended.

(Cordelia never really comes back from this, and something evil possesses her body for all of season four, until she gives birth to an apocalypse and lapses into a coma.)

In the midst of all this, Wolfram & Hart resurrect Angel's sire, Darla - whom he staked way back in the first season of BtVS to save, you guessed it, Buffy - to make him crazy, which works for a while. He figures out she's human and tries to save her soul, even though she's been trying to get turned again, and when he's given everything to save her but been thwarted by the Powers, and she realizes how much he cares and accepts her mortal lifespan, she gets turned by Drusilla. Thence insanity. Angel's spiral lasts until he and Darla have some crazy hot sex in "Reprise" and he realizes - I can't say this without it sounding hokey, but you better believe when it aired I was sniffling along with the best of them - that the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world.

When I'm going over Angel's romantic entanglements, I always forget Nina, but I made myself a note this time so I wouldn't. She's this adorable werewolf who shows up in season five of AtS for sex and cuddles. I kind of adore her.

Why, you may be asking, did I just spend what will probably be the majority of this essay talking about their other relationships? Fair question.

Because it's not every guy you send to a hell dimension who forgives you the second you run a sword through his stomach. Because it's not every girl whose friends you kill and whose heart you break who forgives you the second you come back to yourself. Because it's not every show that starts with a shadowy mysterious guy getting knocked on his ass and falling in love and ends with that not so mysterious but still pretty damn shadowy guy watching his girl kick all kinds of ass and then making out with her. (I hold a special place in my heart for those "End of Days"/"Chosen" kisses, and I'm not sorry.) It's not every girl who says your name the same way all seven years you know her, like you're the best thing she's seen since she got dragged out of heaven by well-intentioned friends. It's not every guy who says you're the only thing he's ever truly loved and means it.

That's it, I guess. Except for how AtS doesn't end like BtVS does - Angel doesn't get good things, remember? He's traded away his chance to be human in order to bring down these big bads called the Black Thorn, and most of his friends are dead. In the end, it's him, Spike, a bleeding Gunn, and a god-king who stole Fred's body, standing in an alley in the pouring rain, facing down a slavering horde of demons from the Senior Partners. I tend to think they didn't survive, even though it breaks my heart. A visual from kita0610: Spike and Angel go out back-to-back, grinning, with their boots covered in dragon. Which, nice as it is, makes me want to cry, so sometimes I indulge myself and say, no way Faith lets Angel have an apocalypse without joining the party. Then, no way Buffy lets Faith and Angel have all the fun. Then, no way she gets out of LA without major smoochies, Immortal or no.

That's it.

caps, or: wow, that boreanaz fellow is rather attractive, no? You may think you've gotten away from the babble, but it's only just begun. (All caps from Screencap Paradise, my favorite place on the net.)

There's this first season AtS episode called "I Will Remember You," also known as the episode that broke a thousand shippers in two, where Angel is turned into a human through the regenerative powers of a Mohra demon's blood. He and Buffy spend a couple hours burning through their previously unresolvable sexual tension, but then he finds out that if he remains human, she'll die before she's supposed to. He gives it up. Of course he gives it up. And he's the only one to carry the memories of that day, which may either break him or keep him fighting, depending on how he feels.



And there's this fifth season BtVS episode called "Forever," where Buffy has to bury her mother. God, that hurts. Angel shows up after dark, and they're still them, he's still the one she opens up to. And of course he shows up, even though this is right around the time of "Reprise"/"Epiphany," when he's trying to (a) kill himself and (b) win his friends back, because she's his girl. Always. (Oh god, I'm so not mature. That still makes me want to cry.)



recs, or: oh god, do i do anything but read fanfiction?

Anything by carlyinrome, but especially Gods and Monsters, where Buffy is turned into a god and Angel is made human and nothing is simple, and Return to Me, which is the first fic I read in my B/A revival thing I've got going on now. Most things by maquisleader are tasty, but my favorite is Ever After? which is post-loosing of Angelus upon LA and various other bad things. It's my favorite fic right now. Oh, and The Grass Isn't Always Greener in the Sunlight by ralkana, where Spike gets Angel's shanshu and everything hurts, but it gets better.

You know how I mentioned "Not Fade Away" breaks my heart? This, All Souls' Day by Spiralled, makes it hurt less. Buffy, trying to get through the agony of not knowing what happened to either of her vampires, does a little magic and gets a broad-shouldered surprise. There's also this huge, wonderful, post-"NFA" series called Project Paranormal about the adventures of Angel, Buffy, and Giles in England. It's heavily B/A, and there are some brilliant writers attached. There are three seasons currently up.

And, and! Domestication by peaches indie is an AU where humans are the hunted ones, all of them living in a protected city, and vampires are occasionally to be kept but never trusted. Buffy's still the Slayer, and Angel still loves her at first sight, but they've got issues to work through, like a Council that burns Slayers at the stake and a power-mad scientist. Ridiculously hot. Don't know why.

To sum up - I find I can't actually sum up. I know there are people who don't like the 'ship, who think Angel used Buffy as a crutch and Buffy was just infatuated, or who don't like either of the characters, but whatever. I just love them.

Comments

[guest-age.livejournal.com]

Well...I'm not a Buffy/Angel shipper (I actually loathe the pairing entirely, but that's another story), but I must admit you raised some good points. And there's no denying that if you don't shed at least one tear in "I Will Remember You" when he steps into the sunlight and you see the look on her face (or when she knows she's about to forget everything and says, "I felt your heart beat," for that matter) then you have no heart. Or soul. Or any other feelings-related things. I actually just saw that episode today. I've seen Buffy like...three times through, but never seen any of Angel, so I'm catching the reruns on TV as they air, and that one happened to air on Friday.

Um, anyway. I'm getting off track.

Point is, you brought up some really good points, and when you mentioned the end of NFA and the mental image of Spike & Angel going down back-to-back, I got the biggest smile on my face. Not because I want either of them to die, just that if they have to go down, that's really the way I'd want it to happen.

*sigh*

Um...I have soooooo lost the original intent of this comment. Let's get back to that, shall we?

*ahem*

So...nice essay, very interesting points, and glad you mentioned I Will Remember You, especially since it's all fresh in my mind and stuff. :)

[liliaeth]

uhm, seems like I'm heartless then. Most of what I feel after watching IWRY is loathing for Angel. I mean, I normally like the guy, but that ep totally and utterly destroyed any liking I had for B/A as a pairing. Before that ep I might have considered them together, but after it, there's no way that B/A would ever work again.

Cause Angel can't even trust Buffy enough to try and be human for a month, and then he goes back to being a vampire, without even asking her what she thinks of it. That lack of respect for her opinion killed the pairing for me.

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Heh, thanks. "I Will Remember You" sort of breaks me in about five different ways, cause Angel's my boy, and the heartbreak he carries - I can't even imagine.

[stephanie-kay.livejournal.com]

I just love them.

Oh, me too. My very first fandom, and my very first ship. I honestly don't think it gets any better than them.

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Yeah, me too! It's probably the same for a lot of people. They break my heart in all kinds of ways.

[nakeisha.livejournal.com]

I was so pleased to see this here as I love this pairing, I really do. They are so right for one another, and it's clear all the way through that whatever goes down they really are still the only one for one another.

I was really hoping that AtS was going to end happily with him becoming human and going off to find Buffy and them living happily ever after, especially as she was no longer 'the only slayer'. And 'I Will Remember You' always makes me cry *blush*

I like the point you make about how this big thing is made about Angel mustn't sleep with anyone else or he'll become Evil again. It's Wesley who points out to Cordelia that it only happened because he was with Buffy and it's a rare pairing indeed that finds that moment of perfect happiness.

I could easily get into this pairing (despite mainly being a slash gal, but not in BtvS/AtS), but for the fact that I struggle to find the happy ever after story and stories that show the love and romance, etc. So I shall enjoy checking out your links and recs.

A very good read. It reminded me (not that I needed it really) why I love this pair so much.

[nakeisha.livejournal.com]

And I've just discovered that you like NCIS too (it's my main fandom) - a nice coincidence.

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

He goes off and gets a soul, although I maintain that he wanted the chip removed and the soul-wanting was retconned, but those are my own issues
I think B/S shippers would probably say he went for the soul and B/A shippers say he went to have the chip removed...I agree with you- JM played it like he was pissed off at Buffy and was going to do *something* about it.

I asked Jane Espenson about the B/A thing and the B/S thing at WriterCon 2004. She said Angel was Buffy's 'soul mate' and Spike was Buffy's 'life mate'- or some such crap. What I think is that there is no one else for Buffy and no one else for Angel and when there *is* someone else, they are place holders.

And, and! Domestication by peaches is actually by indie...*g*

Anbd it's nice to know people are still shipping B/A- especially for people like me who still write them.

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Thanks - I just always think of him saying, "Bitch is gonna get what she deserves," and then, "Make me what I was," and I understand the second one has room for interpretation, but the first? Doesn't really work for me. All I've ever seen it as was his being pissed over rejection and wanting to get some of his own back.

Yes! Like they're just marking time, no matter how much they like/respect the other person they're with. That's it exactly.

Heh, thanks. I really ought to know that, considering how many times I've read that story. *headdesk*

I love your fic pretty hard, man, but I can only take so much heartbreak at once. It's always beautiful, though. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it.

[tragicamente.livejournal.com]

Aw. I miss them.

They were my first ship. and Buffy shall always be my first fandom and my first love.

This is making me nostalgic and sniffly. DAMN.

*goes to cry and watch Buffy videos*

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Yay! BtVS revival! It's always gonna have its claws in me, I figure. There's no real way to avoid it, and no real reason to :o) Thanks for reading!

[closertofine.livejournal.com]

You know, I loved B/A. I never cared much for Riley -- I think I knew it was never going to work, because, as you said, Buffy was always going to wear the pants in that one, and he wasn't going to be able to handle that. (Ironic that the woman he married was still obviously tougher than him, though, isn't it?) But when B/S happened, I kind of liked it, and for a B/A shipper, that was a weird feeling.

But, I don't think one takes away from the other. B/A truly did share a special connection. They were soulmates. But it didn't work out for them, to be together; they can't be, and that's their tragedy. If you believe in reincarnation, you would say they're meant to be together in another life, and will be.

Spike isn't Buffy's soulmate, but he might have been a person she could spend this life with. I think there was a compatibility there that would have led to a satisfying life together, even if they weren't "soulmates". Because, after all, if Buffy really can't ever be with Angel, to be honest, I don't want her condemned to a life of loneliness... or Angel either. So I guess that's how I always reconciled the two.

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

It cracks me up that Riley's wife could probably kick his ass as well as Buffy could. I just hope he doesn't mess that relationship up. I have a vague fondness for Riley, but that's only because the years have, like, dulled my vitriol. Like I said, I used to be a card-carrying member of DIERILEYDIE, and I wasn't exactly objective.

I have mixed feelings about the Buffy/Spike relationship. On the one hand, I hate how it obviously tore at Buffy, how she just moved further and further from the things and the people she loved because one day she was in heaven and one day she was clawing her way out of her own grave. On the other hand, he was there for her in a way that no one else was or could have been, all things considered, and he had her back for most of it.

(My real problem is that I just tend not to give a damn about Spike. Whatever.)

Yeah, that's how I feel about Nina, I guess. I don't want either of them to be alone, but I still think that if/when Angel gets his shanshu, he's going to Buffy, regardless of who either of them are with. I hope that, in any case. I want him to be selfish about it.

[atomic-eyes.livejournal.com]

Veddy nice, veddy veddy nice and that's all my brain will allow me to express at the moment. This is my all-time ulitmate pairing and so I love the love of it. Heh. <3

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Hee, thank you. I tend to get sort of flaily about it, especially recently.

[sighnomore.livejournal.com]

aaw my OTP when I was fourteen ♥ I still love them..

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Heh, my baby OTP, man. I think I may love them now more than I did before. Hmm.

[aeiki-zuoe.livejournal.com]

Great, a lot of points you've raised which exactly explains my interest in them. I still love their relationship and also believe they've went through a hell of a lot more than what people usually make it out to be. I love how the changes they go through (when they're not together) are still somewhat relative to each other. It kinda proves to me that they're always linked in a way. <3

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I've always liked watching them grow while they're apart - this is schmoopy, but now that they're actually adults - or Angel has loved other people than Buffy, since he's rather adult-ish anyway - I feel like they could understand each other better. Not that they couldn't before.

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

Still my favorite pairing. There's a lot I like about them together, one being that they are both bigger than life heroes but with each other they can just be themselves. And they both understand the burden of being the leader, because it is a burden.

As far as people saying they're both alpha so it would never work out - Darla is a hell of a lot more alpha than Buffy will ever be and Angel was with her for a hundred and fifty years. Face it, he likes to be bossed around by women. (Cordy's not exactly a shrinking violet.)

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

That's one thing I like about their separation - Buffy knew what it was to lead, and learned more, and Angel gathered people around him like troops. I always measure things up against A:tS, and they usually come up short - what can compare to a show that searched out what it meant to be human? My love for these shows cannot be verbally rendered.

Oh hell yes. If Angel's got a type, it's blondes who can kick his ass about five different ways from Sunday.

[undefinedwishes.livejournal.com]

It's been so so long since I've really thought of Buffy but reading this brought back so much and (because I am such a sad little softie) I'm watering up XD.

I completely, utterly, wholly adore BA. Buffy was and will remain to be my favourite show of all time and BA as a couple was the first ship I clung to and even years later I still feel so bittersweet towards it. I mourned that AtS didn't bring back SMG for NTF and I bawled through I Will Remember You.

And Pheonix Rising is wicked- it's the only one of the list I've read so far, but I'll likely dive right back into it.

I could never stand Cordy. The Angel/Cordy ship bothered me so much, since he never did care for her back in high school and despite her growth as a person I never accepted that either Angel or Buffy could ever be successfully happy at the core with anyone other than each other. Riley I didn't mind in the beginning but his macho need to be needed irked me as their ship progressed.

And Spuffy... I loved Spike, I truly did, but Spuffy was hard to watch. I've been a Spike/Dru or Spike/Faith shipper so season six was painful for me. The injustice of Spike having a soul without the curse seemed so deeply cruel that I just always resented the two together.

I should probably stop ranting soon and just sum up with- thanks for reminding me about a pairing that had been lying dorment in me for some time now. Ship on, fellow BA lover!

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Man, they make me water up, too. "Am I a thing worth saving, huh? Am I righteous man?" Boreanaz = my heart.

I really, really wish they had done something with the newly-empowered slayers instead of just having Angel and his team growing increasingly isolated from Buffy & Co. I mean, I understand it as a dramatic device, and maybe if there'd been a sixth season - but, god, that hurt like crazy.

I try to be mature about Cordelia! I loved that she and Angel were friends, but I never really bought into a romantic relationship between them, except for how I describe it in the essay - loneliness. Which is sad. I hate that Angel lost a friend - that all the hurt he experienced in season four was at the hands of someone wearing his best friend's skin, and that he didn't know it until the damage had been done. Oh, my poor boy.

Yikes! I can only imagine what the Spike/Other 'shippers went through during season six. I feel your pain :o)

I'm glad you liked the essay, and even happier it prodded your inner B/A fangirl!

[thirdblindmouse.livejournal.com]

after Angel left for LA with this nice guy named Riley

*blink* I read that as Angel/Riley, and was at once confused and intrigued.

Really, dude. You tried to rape the vampire Slayer? Do you even have a brain?

Erm, the impression I got was that it was a moment-of-passion, oh-god-what-am-I-doing thing. If you think there was malice aforethought, you'll have to explain where you see that.

until she gives birth to an apocalypse and lapses into a coma

Hehe. That's a nice turn of phrase, and an apt description of what happens.

***

I have never been too convinced by the Buffy/Angel relationship (enter stage right: one tall dark obligatory love interest), so it will take a little more than telling me not everyone is as forgiving or speaks in as sincere a way to persuade me to see the merits of the relationship. However, I noticed you had a large number of stories linked but no vids, so may I recommend Boulevard of Broken Dreams (http://xandrazander.powweb.com/index.php?title=boulevard_of_broken_dreams_green_day&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1) by Xandra? It temporarily convinces even a skeptic like me, so it must be pretty good. :)

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Heh, sorry. I realized the potential for confusion (also porn!) but didn't do anything to fix it because it amused me.

Honestly, I don't think he went there with the intention of raping her. I think he expected rough sex, like usual, and wasn't prepared to be rejected. Those are my only thoughts on it.

Thanks :o)

I didn't write this with the intent to sway people toward the 'ship - like I said, there are people who are better equipped for that. I just needed to get this out in the open so maybe I could concentrate on other things, say, my studies. Oy. But thank you very much for the rec - I tend to not watch vids very often, but I did just see one recently called "Samson" - it's up on YouTube if you want to watch it - that was very lovely.

[spiralleds.livejournal.com]

I clicked open your essay because one can never get enough B/A and what it means to people. Imagine my surprise when I got to the end and you're recommending my story All Souls' Day. I'm tickled pink. Thank you.

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

God, I love them. And I love your story - when I read it through the first time, I remember how my heart clenched as Buffy woke up to an empty house and a quiet fire, and then you let Angel live. I give you virtual kisses.

[got_swagger]

Excellent. Wonderfully put and very Buffy-style in the telling of it.

I think you did a fantastic job!

:D

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm very glad you liked it :o)

[copa-cetic.livejournal.com]

You wrote this? I was going through my del.icio.us saved stuff and I found this and I love it so much. I actually found this before I finished Btvs and even watched Angel, and IWRY was the first Angel episode I watched because of this essay, haha. Gods and Monsters was the first Buffyverse fanfic I read too, and I friended carly. Small livejournal world. I have read all the fic you rec'd here and they were all great, and you captured everything I like about this pairing.

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Hee, yes, the Internet is always smaller than I think it is. \o/ I'm so glad I was able to catch something for you; I love them so much, so much, and this was such fun to do.

[supportmybones.livejournal.com]

oh, god. this pairing has always been and will always be my love-all end-all of pairings for any television show. they are my otp. you've raised some very interesting points and shed quite a bit of light on the ship. now, i need to go rewatch some episodes. :]

[myhappyface.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love them so much! I get flustered in my heart region just thinking about them. I'm really glad you liked the essay!

[chanielnj.livejournal.com]

Love your essay. I been shipping B/A since I was twelve years old! I'm now 23. God, I feel old. lol

I am hoping those two get together and just be happy. :)